Hyun Jun Benjamin Choi
Me and My Tether
This is a self-portrait of myself during the height of my depression, completely besieged by My Tether. I was placed on his cutting board, entirely at his mercy, and he cut off my hands and feet, taking away my ability to socialize, exercise, create, and study. Even my head was a scrambled mess, a puzzle seemingly impossible to solve. But instead of seeking help, I hid my suffering and obstructed my pain with a smile that I had pasted onto my face. My only escape and the outlet was listening to music with my headphones on. In the background, My Tether kept a key to opening a lock in ‘Locked Me.’ I thought the use of oil paint was appropriate to bring out the gritty and negative emotions.
I used this painting as a way to try and grasp the situation that I had fallen into. I believed that the first step to recovery was being aware of my struggles and the challenges that I would need to overcome. Perhaps those who see this artwork can be inspired to do the same.
Drifting Away
The purpose of each painting is to represent the stages of Alzheimer’s disease. Alone, the paintings are meaningless, but all together they tell a story. The high heel represents the perfection of the mind. Nothing has deteriorated yet and the patient is in perfect condition. The cut string in the second painting shows the first signs of memory loss. Something is wrong, but it isn’t significant enough to recognize. The third image represents the patient’s loss of ability to calculate. Reading, writing, and performing arithmetic, abilities that make us unique as a species, are tasks that the patient struggles with. The Rubik’s cube represents the scrambled brain. Some colors are missing to represent the large gaps in memory. The Wine glass represents the patient’s identity. At this point the patient’s personality starts to change and, like a broken wine glass, they will never be the same again. The lifeless stuffed bear is the image of the patient. The patient loses all independance and might as well be a stuffed toy. All actions that may have been simple before are now impossible tasks.
The Watchers
In this painting, I delved into the suffocating weight of societal expectations — a force so potent it is paralyzing. An all-encompassing giant eye personifies this oppressive sentiment with its visible blood vessels casting a piercing spotlight upon my every move.
Beneath its relentless gaze, I am immobile and shrunk to the floor. My head lowered in submission and despair. Through this visceral representation, I wanted to emphasize the universal human vulnerability under intense scrutiny and pressure. I also wanted the viewers to be conscious of not becoming that oppressive force for others.
In this short video, I wanted to continue my exploration into the theme of societal judgment and solitary. The overpowering eye has now multiplied to dozens, each casting an unyielding gaze from every conceivable angle. This harrowing experience is intensified by a pulsing effect synchronized with the haunting music of "Solitude" by Felsmann + Tiley. This rhythmic pulsation mirrors the sensation of blood rushing to my brain, creating a visceral, nauseating feeling as if my brain has acquired its own heartbeat. Coupled with a dizzying spinning motion, the viewers are plunged into a whirlwind of fear and panic, reminding them of their personal past sensations of fear, anxiety, and terror.
Joker
This work was inspired by the Joker, the iconic villain from the Batman series, and Jon Silent’s work. His vivid red lips and vast, sinister smile, which teeters between joy and madness, symbolize evil in many character representations. Such visuals often leave more profound imprints than words.
For the canvas background, I used a broad brush to create a gradient, centering the focus on the smiley face, much like a spotlighted protagonist on stage. To achieve a textured finish, I applied gel stones with a sandy texture, drying it quickly for a rougher appearance. The distinct features of the face and teeth were finely detailed using acrylic paint and a delicate brush, while the pronounced mouth was textured using a knife and modeling paste.
Obsession
The human instinct to survive usually prevents people from inflicting self-harm. Yet, some driven by intense obsessions do end up harming themselves, a juxtaposition that has fascinated me. The movie “Whiplash” highlights the fine line between passion and obsession, which inspired my artwork. I used a razor blade motif to represent self-inflicted pain and obsessions.
During my 11th grade, I faced a similar internal conflict. I believed my dream was to be a physicist, but over time, this aspiration revealed itself as an obsession—driven by my and others’ expectations. As I grappled with this realization, I felt trapped between what I thought was love and the stark reality of insincere obsession.
This dichotomy is captured in my artwork, where one hand grasps the idea of love while the other holds a razor. For this ‘Obsession’ themed piece, I chose a ballpoint pen drawing to convey my chaotic and dizzying emotions.
2023
I made this art piece to commemorate the eventful year of 2022 and to recognize personal growth and the journey of overcoming obstacles. As I venture away from the bindings of the "tether" (my depressive alter ego), I regain more willpower and agency, enabling me to escape its reach and re-embark on my quest. Since I have not entered my inner space in a while, there are cobwebs, but I am determined to climb up each level. A cube with a green smile symbolizes triumph over pretended happiness, asserting my authenticity. The melting clock, reminiscent of Dali's "Persistence of Memory", articulates the subjective nature of time depending on one's psychological state. A locked purple heart on the top floor suggests the circulation of my creative stream has been choked, which must be unlocked and freed.
My Starry Night
Inspired by Van Gogh's vivid depiction of his mental anguish, I've conceptualized the world beyond the black hole. Instead of a realm of suffering, it's a place bursting with color and celebration, akin to Gogh's emotional spectrum. As I approached the end of my rigorous high school journey, my passion for mathematics and physics began to diminish. The weight of expectations from teachers and parents, coupled with the pressure to excel, left me feeling drained.
Yet, I envisioned the world beyond the black hole as my future, where my dreams reside. This vision gave birth to this piece. Drawing from Gogh's unique style, I endeavored to capture the essence of The Starry Night by layering thick oil paint on the canvas and employing broad brush strokes. I intended to depict a realm beyond the black hole with a more realistic touch, hence the monochromatic palette.
Cut is Euphoria (+ Video)
My artwork, titled "Cut is Euphoria," delves into the paradox of self-harm. While our instinct is to survive and avoid pain, some find solace or relief in pain. The cuts and razors symbolize self-harm, but the artwork's essence lies in the cascading 'blood' and liberation. Viewed from below, it engulfs the observer, reminiscent of the warmth and enveloping nature of a shower, mirroring the soothing sensation some find in pain. My hope for this painting is that it can help others empathize with those that find euphoria within self harm.
I first experimented with thick Hanji (traditional Korean paper) and multiple canvas cuts to determine the desired depth and appearance. Various color tests helped me gauge the flowing motion I wanted. I incorporated tiny red specks by flicking my brush, experimented with horizontal versus diagonal lines, and compared larger cuts to thinner ones. Also, dull razors yielded the rugged texture I wanted.
This artwork is inspired by a type of Korean art called ‘Dansaekhwa’, a type of monochromatic art. The beauty of Dansaekhwa comes from the repetitive nature of creating the artwork itself. At first, repeating the same motions of painting, cutting, and gluing were tedious, but as I continued to build this piece, I found myself submerged into the emotions of the artwork. I was reliving the past euphoric emotions I felt from self-harm. Thus, I wanted to document the process of creating the art through video. QKThr by Aphex Twin, the song playing in the background, complimented the emotions of revisiting the emotions of my past self.
This artwork delves into the paradox of self-harm. While our instinct is to survive and avoid pain, some find relief in pain. The cuts and razors symbolize self-harm, but the artwork's essence lies in the cascading 'blood' and liberation. Viewed from below, it engulfs the observer like a warm, soothing shower, enveloping the viewer with the sensation of relief and catharsis. My hope for this painting is that it can help others empathize with those that find euphoria within self harm.
This artwork is inspired by a Korean monochromatic art called “Dansaekhwa.” The beauty of Dansaekhwa comes from the repetitive nature of creating the artwork. As I created this piece through repeating the same motions of painting, cutting, and gluing, I found myself immersed in the emotions of the artwork that involve pain and euphoria. Hence, I wanted to document the process of creating the art through video. The background music — “QKThr” by Aphex Twin — accentuates the emotions of this art piece.
Infinite Sorrow
My fascination with human emotions led me to Richard Wrangham's book on human violence. The book offers a unique view of violence, drawing insights from our evolutionary history. Inspired by his perspective, my artwork aims to capture humanity's moral extremes, from stark malevolence to profound kindness. A piece like 'Smiley Face' embodies duality, suggesting both hidden emotions and internal conflicts. It illustrates the idea of people concealing their genuine feelings behind a mask.
I utilized a ballpoint pen to craft dynamic shapes of mysterious figures. My illustrations, set against blank backgrounds, are distinguished by their varied line densities, offering depth and shadow and conveying that sorrow can be indicative of deep empathy and personal sacrifice.
The Melting Smile
Sabrina Millazo is a contemporary Italian artist who blends reality with surreal elements. Her pieces often feature figures reminiscent of iconic Disney characters but with a melting twist, symbolizing change and transformation. Inspired by her art, I digitally sculpted a 3D melting smiley face using Blender software. I wanted to express a passage of time using the 3D animation tool. I also recreated the smile with urethane foam, refining its shape through repeated wax applications and heat treatments. Aiming for a muted purple hue, I integrated pastels into the wax, achieving the desired ambiance. I tried to emphasize the fleeting nature of time and the philosophical questions and mystery it evokes.
This artwork shows a different type of false smile. Even while it is melting away, the smile persists. This shows both my experience and the experience of many others of wanting to cover up their pain with a smile. I want people to recognize this state and uncover their true emotions behind the smile so they may seek help.
Locked Me
This artwork reflects my emotional struggle of feeling voiceless and shut out amidst societal pressures. While inspired by personal experiences, I was also influenced by many online artists. I was particularly struck by Japanese illustrator Avogago6, who is known for his dark, thematic illustrations. His unique style communicates poignant truths. Inspired by his artwork that uniquely melds science with deep emotion, I wanted to create a work that embodies both scientific and emotional qualities.
The pursuit of perfection, especially in academics, often impedes achievement. Balancing academic tasks, clubs, sports, and test preparation is daunting. Societal pressures, especially in Asia, prioritize conformity over individuality. This, compounded by the COVID-19 pandemic, has amplified mental health challenges among teens, underscoring the importance of family support. I wanted to express this physical and emotional entrapment through locks and chains around the main subject.
Me and My Tether, and Spider, and Bee
This work consists of 4 Rubik's cubes to represent my deep identification and attachment to Rubik's cubes. However, instead of using conventional colorful Rubik's cubes, I wanted to use themes of my own representations. Honey bees represent the lively buzzing of their wings and appetite for life and honey. In contrast, spiders represent obstacles in life that hinder this journey of adventure and, worse, even entrap honey bees into demise. I also placed my self-portraits to emphasize my own place and struggle in this journey of self-discovery and adventure. I placed all these images on Rubik's cubes to signify the complexities and multidimensionality of life. While life can get complicated and incomprehensible at times, I wanted to express the hopeful message that there is always a key to solving problems.
